.

Life has been such a struggle lately.  I'm not posting this to get pity from anyone but it's a way for me to sort out my thoughts and feelings and to not keep them inside of me.  I get nervous to even write about any of this because I don't want to be judged for what i feel sometimes and I don't want people to get the wrong message. 

I lost my dad to cancer in July... less than a month before my wedding. So many emotions have come out of me that i have never even seen from myself. I guess so many emotions because my heart is literally broken.. but yet i met the man of my dreams and married him.  This all happened in the same summer.  I feel like this is going to be so scattered because lately i can't even tell or explain my emotions.  I hate the feeling of bitterness.  I have been feeling that a lot ever since i lost my dad.  How could my dad of all people on this earth get cancer.  Cancer doesn't happen to our own families, it's only something that you hear about.  I can't describe the pain that death brings when its someone you love so much and you cant ever even imagine living without.  I never thought I'd have to deal with this at such a young age.  My dad was the most amazing man i have and will ever be blessed to know and love.  He was the type of man that helped EVERYONE.  I don't think there was a single person that didn't love my dad.  He was the best daddy any little girl could ever ask for.  I was into all sports in high school especially softball.  My dad was my biggest fan.  I always remember him being the first parent to show up to every single game.  He always came with  a water and powerbar in hand and a good pep talk to get me pumped up for my game. Every summer always took all my friends out to the lake and would pull us around the lake allllll day.  It was always a blast and my dad was the life of the party.  He was the funnest part about everything he was involved in. I feel silly even writing some things because nothing i could ever say could match up to the type of man he was.  I miss him.  I miss him so bad it literally brings pain.  I get so jealous of all my friends and people i see around me that still have their dads.  I know i still have my memories and that i will see him again someday.  I know that families are forever but sometimes that just doesn't help a bit.  I don't know what this post was really supposed to say but sometimes you just need to let some of it out.  Tonight is one of those nights. 

i miss you daddy