change

Life itself has been nothing but change for me. Trying to continue life without my dad has been a struggle all in its own.  I still find myself crying on the daily.  Just wishing i could call him up and get some advice or just a hug from that sweet man. I knew life would be hard, i just didn't realize how hard.   Starting off this new year with my parent's house being up for sale has brought everything to more of a reality.  My home, my childhood, my fondest memories are in that home i absolutely adored. I feel like selling the house I'm losing even more of my dad. The thought of it not being there anymore literally makes me sick to my stomach.  I realize that life has to go on and my dad wouldn't want our lives to just stop but it all feels unreal.  I don't ever feel like i can express myself the way i would like to or get out exactly what my heart feels.  But it's hurting, there has been nonstop pain, not physical pain but emotional, the worst kind.  The worst heartbreak that i could have ever imagined like a nightmare you can't get away from.  Now i'm not saying any of this to get a pity party or for anyone to feel bad for me.. so if you are feeling that way you might just want to skip on over this blog of mine.  This is a place for me to be real.  Try and get my feelings out and deal with the card i was dealt with. 
I'm grateful for my Jamesy and the hell i put him through some days.  My emotions are so up and down that i can barely keep track, i cant imagine what it is like for him.  So babe I love you so much and I'm happy i have you by my side.  I wouldn't want to face all these trials with anyone else. 

I found this saying on Pinterest the other day and have loved it every since.  I find myself getting very angry and bitter towards a lot of people because of all the pain i  have experienced.  I'm trying to stay sweet and positive through all of this.  It's definitely hard but so important.

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Life has been such a struggle lately.  I'm not posting this to get pity from anyone but it's a way for me to sort out my thoughts and feelings and to not keep them inside of me.  I get nervous to even write about any of this because I don't want to be judged for what i feel sometimes and I don't want people to get the wrong message. 

I lost my dad to cancer in July... less than a month before my wedding. So many emotions have come out of me that i have never even seen from myself. I guess so many emotions because my heart is literally broken.. but yet i met the man of my dreams and married him.  This all happened in the same summer.  I feel like this is going to be so scattered because lately i can't even tell or explain my emotions.  I hate the feeling of bitterness.  I have been feeling that a lot ever since i lost my dad.  How could my dad of all people on this earth get cancer.  Cancer doesn't happen to our own families, it's only something that you hear about.  I can't describe the pain that death brings when its someone you love so much and you cant ever even imagine living without.  I never thought I'd have to deal with this at such a young age.  My dad was the most amazing man i have and will ever be blessed to know and love.  He was the type of man that helped EVERYONE.  I don't think there was a single person that didn't love my dad.  He was the best daddy any little girl could ever ask for.  I was into all sports in high school especially softball.  My dad was my biggest fan.  I always remember him being the first parent to show up to every single game.  He always came with  a water and powerbar in hand and a good pep talk to get me pumped up for my game. Every summer always took all my friends out to the lake and would pull us around the lake allllll day.  It was always a blast and my dad was the life of the party.  He was the funnest part about everything he was involved in. I feel silly even writing some things because nothing i could ever say could match up to the type of man he was.  I miss him.  I miss him so bad it literally brings pain.  I get so jealous of all my friends and people i see around me that still have their dads.  I know i still have my memories and that i will see him again someday.  I know that families are forever but sometimes that just doesn't help a bit.  I don't know what this post was really supposed to say but sometimes you just need to let some of it out.  Tonight is one of those nights. 

i miss you daddy

3 months!

 Today me and my hubby have been married for 3 whole months.. where did the time go?

Being married has been one of the best decisions i have ever made especially because of the handsome hunk i get to spend eternity with! :)

I'm not saying it's been all smiles and laughter these past 3 months because well it hasn't, being married is hard, it's something you have to work on every single day.  You aren't just thinking about yourself anymore, you have your other half as well. Don't get me wrong marriage is the best thing ever but it's not going to be easy every single day. I'm grateful for the type of man James is. He always puts me first.  He is always going out of hisway to make sure i feel special.  I think sometimes I don't show how grateful I really am.

I love his silly side when he runs around the house screaming or yelling at the tv watching ESPN.

I love saying prayers together every single day and I love how we are ALWAYS trying to scare each other.  Seriously we like tip toe around the house because we are always afraid one of us is going to jump out at each other... Oh the little things! :) 

Anyhoo! Happy 3 months babe! I love you!

xoxo

here we go!

I'm new to this blogging thing... explaining why my blog looks the way it does so far..!
I've wanted to start a blog for a while now, a way to kind of get out some thoughts and to keep my newly married life somewhat in a journal!

I dont really know where to start my blog, where i should begin, because I feel like there is so much to explain about myself.

October of 2011 i met my now cute hubby James! He has been the biggest blessing of my life(more to our story in a different blog post).  He proposed March 31st and we were married 5 months later, August 3rd in the Mount Timpanogos Temple. Its been quite the ride so far but i wouldn't want to endure this world without that amazing man.

I hope to use this blog as a way to sort out my feelings and trials. Not only trials but to also share all the good things life has to offer!  I often feel like writing it out, in this case typing, helps heal and get things off your chest and to also help you realize just how blessed you are.

Hopefully soon this blog will look a tad bit cuter!!

xoxo